It Is What It Is

On May 26th, I crossed the 10 K finish line six minutes faster than I did last year, thanks to the magical presence of my amazing running buddy. Ever since I started running, I have been adamant that I would never run with anyone. The pressure and stress of keeping up with someone else was the complete opposite of the tranquil, solitary experience I was looking for. I wanted to be able to listen to my own body, to stop when I needed to, to go the pace I was comfortable with. So, when my friend offered to run the 10 K with me the week before the race, I was hesitant. My friend is a much faster runner and at a level of fitness that more than surpasses my own. When she assured me that she was willing to go at my pace, I happily accepted her offer, grateful for the support and the company. My left leg had been acting up my last few training runs, with shooting pains running up my thigh. I had resigned myself to walking most of the race, but with the distraction of great conversation and the shouts of encouragement and motivation from my running buddy, I stopped only once. It was a surprise for both of us to cross the finish line at 1 hour and 8 minutes. I had forgotten to wear my watch and my friend had left her pacer at home. It was a great feeling to go into it with no expectations and realize that I was able to achieve a personal best. As it always is in life, I couldn’t have done it alone and was grateful for the love and support I had that day, including my parents, who were waiting for us at the finish line.

This personal victory was balanced out by my most recent test results, which once again revealed a very low white blood cell count. This time, it’s 1.4. The up and down of my white blood cell count has been a pretty consistent thing in the last two years and I’m at a loss at how I can be pro-active and preventative. I asked my rheumatologist what I can do to increase white blood cell production and she looked at me apologetically and said, “unfortunately, all you can do is eat well and rest.” She said my low count means that my lupus is active, that it is affecting my bone marrow’s ability to produce a normal count. The reality is that as a lupus patient, my count will always be low, but 1.4, of course, is in a bit of a danger zone. The drill is the same, with me re-testing in a few weeks and hoping that my count will go up so that I’m not prescribed another medication.  I had been working with my naturopath, hoping to come down off my current medication. Sadly, it seems that I’m not as stable as I seem to think I am.  I may not be ready for that kind of step for a while. In the meantime, I’ll try to eat as cleanly as possible and try to do better at normalizing my sleep patterns, which has been a huge challenge over the last four years. Regardless of the fact that I’m prednisone-free, those sleep deprived nights of four years ago are still in my body’s memory. I can’t seem to wean myself off of my night owl habits, regardless of how tired I am. I sometimes feel like I’m addicted to staying up late.

I have been more tired than normal this past week and a little tender around some joints, perhaps in part because of my low white blood cell count, although I can’t be entirely sure. What I can say is that I’m feeling content to go with the flow and deal with what happens as it comes. The lupus in my body is just doing what it does and it’s not my place to judge that as good or bad. It is what it is.

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