The Second-Guesser

It comes suddenly, a flood of concern in someone’s eye, the faded smile, the slowed and lowered tone of “well, if you’re SURE you can handle it…”  It’s the second-guesser, the seed of doubt that sucks all the joy out of what should have been a happy exchange of exciting news.  I’ve picked up a new project, which was not well received by someone in my life.  I understand, of course, that the second-guesser comes to me with love and concern for my health, but I could feel myself fire up, the defensive tone dripping into my voice – “I’ll be FINE.”  And even before I finished saying it, the doubt settled into the pit of my stomach, curdling it’s way up, filling my head with, “Wait, WILL I be fine??”

These days, adding something to my schedule makes me anxious to some degree, considering my history of not being able to balance a busy schedule with rest and self-care.  But, that was then and this is now, right??  I ask this, of course, more to myself than to anyone else.  Regardless, it’s a project that I am excited and passionate about, an experience that I foresee will actually energize me, so I don’t intend on changing my mind.  I am, however, feeling a bit deflated, and despite my gratitude for the love and concern of others, the second-guesser has gotten the best of me tonight.

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