So, my body woke up today and suddenly decided it was hungry. I ate more today than I have in the last three days combined! All I could think about was food: My love of imperial cookies, my craving for chocolate soy milk, the dried mangos I should have bought on my lunch break. And even as I write this, I keep running back and forth to the open box of cheddar rice thins standing seductively atop my kitchen table. I can’t stop!
I take this as a good sign, of course, but I can’t help but laugh at my fickle, little body. Two weeks of having to force feed myself and all of a sudden it’s like I’m on 60 mg of prednisone again and I’m eating everything in sight! A total 360 overnight. Remarkable. This human body astounds me.
And apparently, despite not really being hungry at all, I have an intense hankering for fruit. Lots and lots of fruit!
I will, however, take a pause between my ravenous cravings and share with you that two family members of fellow lupies have contacted me in the last little while. Both had or are currently dealing with their loved one going through lupus cerebritis. I have offered my love and insights, but even I, as one who has “come through the other side,” feel helplessly inadequate in giving others’ hope and comfort. This feeling was fully realized today as I pulled out my 2009 – 2010 agenda to verify a past programming date at work. While flipping through the pages, I came across a mass of heavy handed scrawls and scribbles written over the weeks and months of my time suffering with lupus cerebritis. Every inch of useable space was drowned in letters and words, some arbitrary, some not. The colour-coded messages and narratives leapt off the page. I could almost see the harried blur of my manic hand fly across the open pages of the agenda. Instinctually, my eyes fell shut and I gently flipped it closed and slipped it back into my desk drawer. I couldn’t even look at it.
The journey is ongoing and I realize that even in my own story, I have no real answers, but I will continue to send out my love to everyone still suffering through all this strangeness. I don’t know much, but I know that I am with you.
And just as it is with my surprise 360 tummy turnover, you never know when a situation will change for the better, but you always have to believe that you’re getting there, that you’re closer than you were before.
As for me, my friends, it is no surprise that I’m thinking about getting closer to a bowl of blueberries. Bon Appetit and bonne nuit!