The other night, I deactivated my facebook account. With one click, what was once my lifeline during many months of lonely recuperation disappeared. It, along with this blog, gave me the “connection” I craved with the outside world. It was a platform for me to exclaim, “I’m still here! Look at me!”
It was a way to reassure myself that I still mattered.
I spent that time watching “my world” go on without me; friends, family, work. Life charged onwards… and everything was just fine. I needed to be present in my life somehow. I needed to know I had some affect on the world around me, so I dived head first into the internet and in my manic state, I almost drowned in it.
These days, it’s less extreme, but I have been feeling unfocused, like my attention has been everywhere except where it needs to be. I’ve been wasting much of my time on the internet, pre-occupied with other people’s “facebook lives” instead of participating in my real one. And so, I am on a break. My “facebook friends” must think I have snubbed them, erased them, that I have made some grandiose statement about how I feel about them. Not at all. Like my relationship with “Evil P,” the internet is both a blessing and a curse… and right now, it’s sapping my soul. This break is temporary, but who knows how I will feel later on.
Now, what about the blog? I haven’t figured that one out yet. Do I need a break from this too?
One of my keepers suggested that I change the name of this blog, that it no longer represents my journey. I was dumbfounded. What other name could there be but “Lupus Face?” He offered, “what about “No Longer Lupus Face?”
I have chosen to seriously consider my keeper’s challenge. How about: “Losing Lupus Face?” Or is it more about “Finding Face” or “Facing Lupus?” Sigh. I don’t know. I find I’m tired of trying to define things. As a blogger, I just want to be a face that people can relate to and at the end of the day, I want to like my face, me, for what I am. At the end of the day, it’s all you got, and you’ve gotta learn to love what you see.