Losing Face

The other night, I deactivated my facebook account.  With one click, what was once my lifeline during many months of lonely recuperation disappeared.  It, along with this blog, gave me the “connection” I craved with the outside world.  It was a platform for me to exclaim, “I’m still here!  Look at me!”  

It was a way to reassure myself that I still mattered.

I spent that time watching “my world” go on without me; friends, family, work.  Life charged onwards… and everything was just fine.  I needed to be present in my life somehow.  I needed to know I had some affect on the world around me, so I dived head first into the internet and in my manic state, I almost drowned in it.  

These days, it’s less extreme, but I have been feeling unfocused, like my attention has been everywhere except where it needs to be.  I’ve been wasting much of my time on the internet, pre-occupied with other people’s “facebook lives” instead of participating in my real one.  And so, I am on a break.  My “facebook friends” must think I have snubbed them, erased them, that I have made some grandiose statement about how I feel about them.  Not at all.  Like my relationship with “Evil P,” the internet is both a blessing and a curse… and right now, it’s sapping my soul.  This break is temporary, but who knows how I will feel later on.

Now, what about the blog?  I haven’t figured that one out yet.  Do I need a break from this too?

One of my keepers suggested that I change the name of this blog, that it no longer represents my journey.  I was dumbfounded.  What other name could there be but “Lupus Face?”  He offered, “what about “No Longer Lupus Face?”

I have chosen to seriously consider my keeper’s challenge.  How about:  “Losing Lupus Face?” Or is it more about “Finding Face” or “Facing Lupus?”  Sigh.  I don’t know.  I find I’m tired of trying to define things.  As a blogger, I just want to be a face that people can relate to and at the end of the day, I want to like my face, me, for what I am.  At the end of the day, it’s all you got, and you’ve gotta learn to love what you see.

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5 thoughts on “Losing Face

  1. Hi, Elena, Hope you’re feeling better. Moderation is the key.
    Use the title you’re comfortable with & that reflects how you feel. You are not just a face and you are not just a disease.
    I changed the title of my blog. First it was “I’m turning 60… Help!!” But as I got closer and became 60, it wasn’t so scary so i dropped the help. Be well. Marg

  2. I like “Finding Face” personally. It implies being in search of truth.

    I agree with your assessment about Facebook. It’s what prompted me to delete my account, too. I do like your blog, however, and I would be saddened to hear it if you were to take a break from it, too. It seems as if it is your release.

    I hope this message finds you well. Take care and God belss, Elena. Praying for you.

  3. You once told me that writing can be therapeutic, a way for our minds to release the thoughts and worries that can overwhelm us sometimes. I think this blog has helped you cope better with lupus, something that you were never able to do well in the past. I hope you continue to blog.

  4. Thanks, you three. I have been tired lately and not able to find the energy to blog, even though I have had the urge to write. Still contemplating a name change. Not sure if I’m ready to go there, but a change seems to be in order. Perhaps, a change in the look of the blog could be a good first step towards getting it more in line with where I am at right now in my journey?

  5. Heat can tire anyone. Naps are good.
    I always found it odd that they talk about the stages and changes children and teenagers go through, but supposedly, after 21, we’re set in stone. Baloney. If you feel it’s time for a change, change. Colors affect us – maybe something other than black would be a start?
    Be well, Marg

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