Nest Escape

My second dose of the “Big M” last night has left me tired and dizzy today.  I feel cold.  I wrap my fuzzy blanket around me like a second skin.  Weary chipmunk.

It’s cold out.  I’ve climbed back into the cozy fortress of my bed two times today.  A makeshift nest of blankets lie rumpled around my current mode of escape; an 800 page edition of a fantasy trilogy lent to me by one of my most favourite keepers.  I’m grateful for it.  I need to forget my story for a while.

I’ve been watching images of some of the planet’s strongest and disciplined human bodies flash across the tv screen.  I smile in awe as I gingerly press into the skin across my chest, suspicious of increased inflammation.  The weight of my bra against my skin has been hurting me a little.  I’ve been more stiff then usual this week.  I’ve been finding new dark bruises on my skin.  The vein beneath is hard beneath my finger, which means I have more signs of vasculitis (vein inflammation).  I’m indifferent to these new discoveries.  It’s the vasculitis in places you can’t see which are the most worrisome, but since you can’t see them… well, why worry?  You’ll know soon enough.  

Perhaps the sudden cold snap is a factor in regards to tiredness and stiffness or  maybe it’s because I haven’t been sleeping very well.  It could be everything or one thing or none of the above.  Maybe the new drug surging through my system has nothing to do with it at all.  I don’t spend too much time asking why anymore.  It’s just nice that these days, since my decision to work less, I actually have the time to give myself over to nesting.  I can tell my body is grateful.

 I think I might have a lot of my mind, but I’m not allowing myself to go there.  I go to my book instead or I sit happily on the edge of my seat cheering for Team Canada.  Trudging through the bog of a heavy mind is no place for a weary chipmunk.  Please do not mistake the tone of this post, dear reader, the chipmunk is still content.  There is though, admittedly, an ever present tiredness that goes much deeper than the physical fatigue that headlines the “Lupus Textbook.”  I plan to meet it head on in order to clear the way… just not today.  

Today is for nesting.

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